JoeD

Been a long time hasn't it. I've been kept busy recently. Got a job placement where I developed a piece of software called PecoBOO, see www.pecoboo.co.uk for details, for a sheffield company called Very PC. I had fun and odviously did something right as I got hired in the last week of September. Yes thats right 8 years on I finally did it.

I have enjoyed the first two days of working and discovering that I can still code, just my lock that the thing I want to use doesn't work with my compiler, left my computer updating in the hope this would get me round this tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Spent the whole day half asleep which was annoying as I woke for a 9am appointment and then had little to do all day. Now add to that my 10am appointment tomorrow morning for a work placement, that's right a whole day of work finally paid for by the tax payer of course. What do you think happened less than a hour ago that's right I suddenly woke up and now can't sleep. Not happy.

I am sat here wearing the bandana Kai bought me again. The reason for this I randomly decided to get a hair cut, still surprised that I have enough to cut. Problem is I mistimed that didn't I it's too cold hence the headgear.

Put in for two jobs recently got to set my disability employment adviser on the first of them tomorrow as they've advertised the job through monster I assume to get plenty of prettier, read that as able bodied, applicants before they conceed they might have to interview me.

I've been working on a series of models for my guard army and have managed to make members of games workshop staff stop and stare at the results so I'll take that as a good sign.

Going out drinking tomorrow and Tuesday got to stay sober long enough to sign on tomorrow but after that I'm free. Even better so're the drinks, that was the best value pint I've ever bought for anyone. Could be good fun.

Just got back from christmas with my pressies. First thing I did was plug in my new hi-fi thingy and horror it didn't do what it said on the tin. The display unit didn't work otherwise it seemed ok, it played music tuned to radio but wouldn't tell me what it was doing so I ended up following the istructions blind to what was going on which was fun. Anyway after trying everything else including turning it off, I thought, ended up unplugging it which caused the display to fire up when I turned it on, should have known really.

So this just leaves the second issue, this is simply that half the buttons on the remote seem to turn my TV on as well. This while annoying doesn't stop me listening to the music so I'll take it. Other than this christmas was quite fun but right now I need to go and get a shower.

Just dug out my cook book to check on making breakfast and sadly discovered that it has got damp at some point since I last opened it and all the pages were stuck together except for one that was marked by Kai's idea of a book mark, a voucher for WHSmiths now invalid. Fortunately for me it was on the scrambled egg page so I decided to have those instead. Been ages since I had scrambled egg with tomato ketchup for breakfast. In fact there was pretty much one place this happened and I haven't seen any of those people for a year or so.

Saddly that occassion was also a funeral, that time for a childhood friend of mine. Weird how breakfast can bring back silly memories. Anyway I definately need a toaster because using the oven grill has got to a waste of energy. See if I can find one that will accept proper slices of toast this time.

Take care all.

PS the never ending search for full time work continues...

Sat here having just watched the complete second series of Hustle which I was sure I'd watched all of. Turns out I was wrong and I throughly enjoyed watching the last three of the series that I had somehow missed. Now got the thrid series to watch as well. :)

Haven't played City of Heroes today, probably should have but I needed the break. Dear friend I know I promised to get that project zipped and over to you during the week but as usual shit hit the fan the moment I decided to do something for my own good. Since last thursday I've volunteered a day at a school, which wasn't the bad stuff, got home after that to find the tax man wanted me to pay my council tax, at that point it was late on friday so I called for advice, received none spent the weekend worried to death. Then I turned up in the council offices first thing monday morning where it took ten minutes to get that bill removed on the basis I am unemployed. They've been trying to get that right since June but a personal appearance solves everything, if you're charming enough. :) Then went to hospital and to sign on all before lunch. Busiest day in ages.

Since then I've been to the RP again to find myself without a game again. :( Might have to actually apply for a game again as no-one seems to consider me worth asking to take part in games anymore, too much trouble I assume because of my negative attitude. :P Maybe watching folks doing what I'd like to is the worst thing for a guy like me to do. Being disabled I've spent my whole life watching other people do what I want to without the ability to join in. RP was one of the few places it didn't matter but now it feels the same way. That said the last few weeks had been fun even if I ended up dead before the game ended.

So pretty much more of the same shit I've put up with all year plus having to apply for jobs that would in effect be a pay cut before taxes never mind after I've been feeling very down this week. Oh that and Tuesday is the ex's first birthday since we parted, sent her an email wishing her a happy day, considered a card but it seemed wrong somehow.

Still miss the way it was, but in truth it didn't feel that way for a long time before the end of it. I still find myself looking forward to getting home to her company then catch myself.. it hurts everytime but it is getting easier. I still don't see what you saw in me and perhaps that was the problem in the first place, never had much self confidence why would anyone like to hang around with me. Still I am a better man not because we split but because we were together at all and I thankyou for that.

I would also like to thank the guys who gave me a place to stay while I got my new place sorted following the split. You guys were life savers and I never really said thankyou to your faces even when I left. This is a regret because you deserved the thanks putting up with me at the lowest point of my life. I'm not sure you'll ever understand why I felt so bad but thanks for giving the broken pieces of me a home for that short time, you really helped.

Scareily enough I've spent tonight trying to work out what clothes to wear not for tomorrow. Instead for Tuesday, which I guess just became tomorrow technically at least. I hate interviews to be honest, somehow I don't think I'm the only one. Hoping that this one will a good one and I get the job, the only jobs I've ever got were volunteering or part time work and both more by acciddent than intent so I've never actually succeeded at an interview.

Of course the job center made me do a few practice interviews to get me used to it but that's always easy, that becomes a roleplay exercise something I'm quite good at. Only thing they could critise me for was my presentation but did they really expect me to turn up in suit and tie for a practice interview? Apparently they did which got me marked down on an otherwise perfect interview, so I do know how to do it just never really managed to get past the nerves when the pressure is really on.

Anyway I'm off to bed still got to work out which tie to wear my dad's old one that despite the confusing colours or a grey and black diagonally striped one that doesn't really stand out against the pale blue shirt I want to wear. Probably just make my mind up on the morning. And now to bed.

Busy revising my Java skills today got through 90 pages of reading but still got a lot more to read by tuesday. As long as I get a good overall grounding I should be ok. Thanks to a friend I have a copy of the 5th edition of Java in a nutshell, my copy was only 2nd edition so a little out of date which is an interesting reintroduction to the basics of coding in a language I haven't touched in too long. They seem to have added a few new and interesting things most of which confuse me a little but seem like they could be useful in the right circumstances.

On other fronts I'm still waiting on the delivery of the new Metallica album from HMV, should have waited and just taken it off the shelf when I was in Zavvi the other day, would have been cheaper too, lesson learnt for next time I guess.

Sat watching TV and half listened to the latest match.com advert which was advertising 'new men'. It had me quite ammused but the following line from Tesco's I think, advertising half price italian's.

I'm shocked at the ammended result to todays GP, how are you meant to win a race these days it would appear coming first after following the rules is no longer enough. The fact a certain other team can break the rules and not be punished in a meaningful way the preceeding race and the sport begins to look rediculous, which is a shame as I love motorsport. The secret to getting to watch a good race seems to be not to watch the F1 anymore it has become worse than when a certain german was winning almost everything at least he drove to win most of his races now it seems the red cars just need to complete the race to get the win no matter what position.

Anyway this is a side issue for the day really sat and watched the paralymics opening ceremony when that was on and it got me thinking how dam lucky I am. Yes I am disabled with brain damage affecting the control of my legs and very slightly the right side of my body. I have met people who are far worse off than myself and what occurs to me when I do is that I was maybe a snatched half breath away from far worse. It's worth pointing out no one knows what caused my disability.

I am lucky enough to have the ability to talk flawlessly, even if I am more famous for being the silent type, and having the use of my hands which combined with the way my head seems to work allowed me to gain two degrees in computer science before I left university. Add to this a down to earth attitude and an at times charming personality and I could have come with a far worse hand. Now all I have to do is persaude an employer that I'm holding such strong cards...

And now I warrant high praise for my RP apparently. In a game with plenty of fights, including our battle with the demon cow, and also a chance for me to fast talk the party past the gate to an enemy town I landed on my feet, so to speak at least.

Now my randomly generated character was a terrible liar but the rest of the party can of course cover any story I tell with more believable lies, thank god. Had to laugh when the noble of the party made a mistake by saying something that gave away the lie which in turn required me to tell the servant, the same noble - who had spent the whole week ordering me around and getting my name wrong everytime, to keep quiet as she couldn't understand what was going on. This seemed to work on the guards which was what mattered.

Anyway I have really enjoyed playing again and the simple difference was I got back to playing the type of character I've wanted to. People may complain that I only play thieves but I do an awful lot of fast talk type actions that suit that class when I'm at my best. That is the side of RP I enjoy not all this high end tactical stuff that I can get from 40K which seems to have taken over the recent games. Only sad news is there will only be another week or two of this game before the end.

PS the noble's player had started by calling my character pig keeper Y, when his name was X and Y had a different value everytime but where X != Y. This I found funny as hell so encouraged it. My character happens to think he should do what the noble says even if he can think of another plan as she is his better, with him not being a noble. Anyway time for sleep now.

Now I am finally playing RP again, I had a great time for most of the night and all was well to the point someone tried to offer me advice on how to RP. There are two mistakes that I made in the last years worth of RP that I am prepared to confess to. The first of these being that I tend to put up with games that are no longer any real fun, I always figure something along the lines of it can't continue to be this bad. The number of times I've been proved wrong recently doesn't really help when people complain about me quiting games.

The second and perhaps more important to this post is that I arrived with my own ideas of how to RP when I first moved in but I was prepared to listen to new ideas and take advice. Most of the advice that has been given has been given when it's too late to do anything about it, and a fair proportion has led to me being later critised for following that advice. Then theres the times different people offer contradictory advice.

So I'm sorry if I come across as harsh for bluntly ignoring the last pile of advice but I ain't that stupid. So screw any game that is no longer any fun and forget your advice I know how I want to play and if you can't adapt to my style of play that's your problem. I know I can't make anyone, including myself, happy by playing in someone elses style.

Spent today going to see Hellboy 2, not the greatest of movies but it had it's nice moments, no not the combat ones which were a bit samey and the plot was transparent but the comedy moments were good.

Have read Orphanage by Robert Buettner this week enjoyed that now reading the sequel Orphans Destiny, along with Godfather and the fourth edition D&D rulebook so plenty to read.

While I'm the thought line here a few of the things I used to do before the legs stopped me.

tennis, stupid sport two people two bats one ball a bad excuse for an arguement,
badmington, a silly sport much like tennis but with added neck problems,
canoeing, not white water or anything but it was very relaxing,
hikes, walking the hills in Derbyshire was a weekly exercise,
swimming, something I could still be doing and maybe I will,
& cricket, wish I could work out a way to play from a wheelchair.

Of all of these I was only in competition in the swimming that was during my time as a scout. I enjoyed all of them and miss greatly. Things that I have done since I ended up with my arse parked have included,

pool, ultimate pool shark I can't even walk to the table,
hang-gliding, a one time deal but I had the grin apparently.
becoming a runner slowest ever as I was on crutches at the time but another runner classified me as such so must be true,

Things I still want to do include but are not limited to,

motorracing, kind of a family deal that I still want to do someday,
jumping out of a prefectly good airplane
flying on a perfectly good airplane in the first place

Anyway theres plenty of other stuff I've forgotten so I might add to this in the future. What is certain is that I will continue my campaign against the UCDT, you can't do that, crowd. I got a bit distracted by something for the last few years and I still loved that but now let battle commence on all fronts. This is my fight, this is my life and its an everyday struggle, a struggle people don't see, a struggle worth fighting, well lets see about that shall we.

Took something on about the drugs I've been put on by my doctor this week. They control the spasm in my legs in some mystical way. What I found out was that they did this by relaxing all my muscles. While controling the spasm allows me to sleep a bit better and bend my knees a little more most of this is relatively unimportant when compared to the loss of strength that I hadn't been able to explain.

If I can't push the chair up hills because my arms are weaker that reduces my quality of life much more than having my legs go into an occassional spasm. While I am not gonig to stop taking the drug completely I have reduced the dosage to a level at which I am still getting the benefit of a good nights rest without pushing it any further.

While I should probably have worked this out by myself this information might have been helpful to have spelt out to me or listed it under side effects of the drugs perhaps?

Anyway they're sending me back to the physios after all these years they might have some new ideas. From what has been said they will probably put me in the pool which will be fun. It has been a long while since I swam regularly so I'll either sink straight away or amaze them, not many folks know I got my 1000m badge when I was a kid.

Feeling lonely tonight. Since I broke up with Kai I have gone through phases of feeling really positive that has nothing to do with the RP at all simply I've dragged myself out of the hole I was in at that point.

Then the pm's from my gm in my last game started, critising everything from my attitude to my ability to make in character decisions. Usually these arrived after I'd had a bad week at the RP and that was fine but the side effect of each of these was to plunge me back into that dark hole I was fighting to get free of.

Thanks friend you have no idea how hard it was to fight my way back each time only to be cut down again by another message from you. In the end what pushed you to the point of not having me, apparently, was that I took these messages personally.

Did it occur to you that I was already going to leave, I was there to explain why but you didn't stop to hear me out. That said enough in itself. I RP to enjoy myself not to become your target of choice and be ignored during the game sessions.

This is a game that takes weeks to achieve anything of note and then we move on and suffer no consequences/benefits for our actions. For me this is boring hack and slash with RP without the hacking or slashing.

In essence it's a bad excuse to meet up for a drink, except I don't get to drink unless you guys feel like grabbing me a pint which you often don't. Oh and as an apparent reformed alcoholic, I doubt it myself on both counts, I don't need an excuse to drink.

Need ice cream scoop thingy.

I promised myself I'd get to bed early tonight, I made to bed got bored designed a way out of a coding problem and then couldn't leave it half done so here I am a lot later with another part of my code designed.

Now I can support animated characters in the game only problem being I am not an artist and now I need some frames of a character walking about, standing still and dying. All sounds a bit grim doesn't it.

I have a huge fridge freezer now, very pleased with it now I can have ice cream, speaking of which I have raspberry ripple to enjoy later. Anyway I had to spend more money on food than normal to attempt to partially fill the beast. Add the fact I spent £50 on the latest edition of D&D, was £60 for 3 books or £50 for the same 3 books in a nice cardboard sleeve thing to put them in. Not just a free bit of card it's becheapening cardboard I don't quite get it but :).

Codes nearly where I want it to be which is a good thing and maybe this time I'll remember to back it up before I break it by adding something else clever. Oh have application pack for a job that requires a degree in computer science and a masters in computer science as well, just by coincidence I have both so that might get rid of a few of the normal contenders for work and I might have a chance. Anyway I'm off to eat ice cream bye bye everybody.

Lost my focus a for the last week or so. When I left the RP group due to a continued problem between me and my GM I knew this would happen. This was at least in part brought on by the loss of a real deadline on the project I was working on, as it was set by the next time a friend of mine made it down to that session next week. As I won't be there.. you get the point. Feeling quite cut off and lonely atm and I've got a busy week coming but won't have achieved anything much even at the end of it:(.